Obesity

Obesity is a curse. It has shaped my life and who I am more than any other single thing. Unlike many who struggle with weight issues I've never been thin. Never.  I'm not speaking here of 10, 20 or even 30lbs...I'm talking Obese  over a hundred pounds or even more. Of course I wasn't always the size I am now. That ungodly number has progressed with time. Until I began to suffer health problems because of it. Issues like diabetes, knee and back problems became more than just warnings. They became my reality.

I can remember being overweight at age 9 and having to put up with being called names by kids at school and  getting into fights on the way home. Even my  parents used to become exasperated with me because they had a hard time finding me clothes that fit. How ironic is that when they were the ones providing the food? LOL.

Back in the 1950's when I was growing up no one really paid any attention to "nutrition". It was meat, potatoes and vegetables and you had better clean your plate too! We didn't have such things as "low sugar" or "low fat" this or that...and yogurt? what in the hell was that?  Sounded like a new game. What is really strange though is that obesity wasn't the epidemic then that it has now become. What we also didn't have back then was restaurants on practically every block, coffee shops, fast food places and processed food.

The first 6 years of my life were spent in England where I was born. The next 3 were spent in Detroit Michigan. The next 2 [age 11/12] were spent back in England and after that I was kidnapped by my parents and brought to Canada. That is where I have lived since then.  I think that being carted across the Atlantic Ocean 3 times during those years is also partly responsible for my weight issues.  While in the U.S. my childhood was miserable. Three horrendous years of being called names not only because I was a fat kid but because of my British accent.  My brother who is 18 months younger than I used to get called names because of his accent and because he wore glasses. So, not only was I defending myself every 5 minutes I defended him as well. Fights were plentiful. I was a tough little kid likely inherited from my father who was a little cockney guy from one of London's toughest neighbourhoods and never backed away from a fight.

My teenage years were just as difficult, even more so as I sat on the sidelines while all the skinny girls went out on dates. Oh don't get me wrong...boys liked me...but they liked the "fun" me the one who was funny, daring and had the potty mouth. I didn't get to "go steady" [give me a break this was the 60's ok?] I didn't have boys coming to the door to pick me up in their father's car and take me to the high school dance. To make matters even worse I had two strict parents, no one at home after school because my mother had to work, a father who didn't think twice about knocking me into next week if I so much as looked at him or my mother the wrong way.
That's the way it was back then.  Looking back I must have been a handful for my parents to cope with. I was out of the house by age 16 and on my own. There I was a high school drop out, kicked out of my parents house, no boyfriend and fat. Don't get me wrong. I'm not whining. That's just the way it was. I coped.

It always seemed to me that I could do one of two things when I was called names. I could either try and slink away and cloak myself in invisibility or I could stand my ground and fight...literally. So I chose the latter. It was a choice I made for the rest of my life. That "choice" defined who I became as a mother, a daughter, a sister , a lover and a friend. As I grew older of course and into my young adulthood years I no longer used to fight "literally". I fought with my wits. I was determined not to be someone who could easily be pushed around. That is the woman that I became. I was someone who people saw as "strong", "intimidating", "forceful", "opinionated" and "overbearing". How dare I become any of these things. I was a woman. Women don't behave like that. Women wear frills and bat their lashes and smile demurely; women wait on men, women do as they are told, women don't swear or question authority. Well, this woman did. So when you couple my size with the aforementioned attributes  I was a force to reckon with and at times people's worst nightmare. I've been called a bully, unapproachable, antagonistic, sarcastic and just plain difficult. That's the wall I've built. So that no one gets in.

However, all is not lost. I have also been called intelligent, quick-witted, humorous, generous, a good communicator, a good listener, organized, a leader, attractive, loving and caring. The people who made the effort to get beyond the wall [and the fat] they're the ones who paid me these compliments.

You might ask yourself..."well if she was that worried about the weight why didn't she just lose it"?
Hmmm. Do you think for a minute that I never tried? I tried every diet there was when I was younger. Oh sure I'd lose 20 lbs here and 30 lbs there only to be regained in later months and years. It isn't as simple as some thin people like to think...it's not just a case of close your mouth and don't put food into it. Food becomes your friend. Just like cigarettes, alcohol or any other addiction. Food doesn't leave you, food doesn't berate you, it's there when you're lonely or sad it's even there when you're happy. However, unlike cigarettes and alcohol and gambling or whatever your issue is it can't be stopped. Overweight people can't just stop eating.

One thing that obese people CAN do however is have surgical intervention. No, not have my jaw wired...have my stomach altered. 

This was not a decision I entered into lightly. I attended the initial orientation protesting vehemently. But as my son said..."Come on Mom..let's get this done!" Ya right..I love how he uses the word "let's" as in "let us". There is NO us. This is all on me. So I was led kicking and screaming to the first appointment at the Bariatric Program of Toronto Western Hospital....I kinda felt like Star Jones. So as I write this I am in the process of a journey. One which I hope will produce a different me...or at least a different physical me. Being obese has been a blight on my life and although Shakespeare said "Let's not burden our remembrance with a heaviness that is gone"  I have many regrets. As I look back over the years I can see very clearly how weight has shaped my life [no pun intended], how weight has impacted my personality, my behaviour, my very psyche. I'm not "blaming" weight I take full responsibility for who I was and am but as I approach 65 [yikes how can that be?] I can't help but reflect on the person I am, the mistakes I've made in life and what I can best do for the future.  So stay tuned. I will reveal more about this journey I'm sure in blogs yet to come.